


backwards judas

by summerdayghost



Category: Secret History - Donna Tartt
Genre: Blow Jobs, Complicated Relationships, Confessions, Drinking, Guilt, Kiss and Tell, Kissing, M/M, One Night Stands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 03:31:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18241502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerdayghost/pseuds/summerdayghost
Summary: With this kiss time moved in reverse.





	backwards judas

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for fail_fandomanon’s 100 words of kissing and regrets. This is closer to 1k than 100.

All night long Bunny had been doing nothing but drink and talk, talk and drink. Occasionally he’d let Richard speak but that was only to give himself time to drink or more things to say in response. Bunny was sitting far too close Richard. They were practically in each other’s laps. This wasn’t why Richard was nervous. Not the whole reason why.

Everything Bunny said was atrocious but not all of it was inherently so. In fact most of it was only so terrible because of a context that Bunny was more privy to than anyone and yet completely ignorant of as well. He had to know. He had to know. There was no way he knew.

He hated Bunny because Bunny was awful. Bunny was just fine and that was why Richard loved him. He couldn’t decide. This was not a new sensation. No matter what or if he decided this won’t be a moment he’ll be able to remember authentically.

Bunny’s mouth crashed against his with a violence that knocked Richard on his back. That must have been what he intended. Or maybe he hadn’t been thinking at all. It was far too sudden for thought. In the end Richard supposed it was beyond fair. He could have broken his neck and Richard still would have felt that way.

When they broke apart he could have sworn Bunny was laughing. It was a bitter kind of laugh. The sort of laugh a man on the gallows would make (although if it would be the hangman or the hanged Richard couldn’t say). Of course Bunny made no sound. Maybe Richard had really been the one laughing or maybe it was all in his head.

Bunny’s attention turned to his throat. The nips and bites were uncomfortable, but there was no version of Richard that would have ever imagined pushing him away. So this was Bunny taking what he wanted. He was only doing what he always did. Something like this was bound to happen to Richard eventually.

(Richard mentioned this whole incident to Henry the next day. One part of him wanted to keep this to himself while the other part of him needed to pass this along to Henry. Which part was the head and which part was the heart wasn’t clear, but the side that won out certainly wasn’t his soul.

His coverage was probably more extensive than anybody would ever want to hear. He quoted every word Bunny said to him that night as far as he could remember. He explained just how much both of them drank and when and what. He talked about what happened after the kissing.

Bunny rubbed his already leaking cock over Richard’s cheek and lips before sticking it inside his mouth. Richard wasn’t sure what to do, wasn’t capable of thinking straight with the weight of it on his tongue. He managed just fine anyway. There was something incredibly smug about Bunny throughout the whole act. The general overtone of self satisfaction coming from Bunny continued even into when he was returning the favor better practiced than Richard expected.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have told Henry how the sex happened, play by play, blow by blow. It was just that he couldn’t make himself shut up because he knew what it meant. He knew what would have to happen next. On an intellectual level he welcomed the future, but he was also hoping that maybe if he talked forever he could put it off. That he could have no more part in it than he already did.

He felt like he spent more time on the sex than everything else, like he put more detail into it than the actually important stuff. This was factually incorrect on several counts. Richard had actually rushed over the sex in comparison to the other topics. It was just that any amount of time spent talking about what they did was far too much. Also the sexual encounter was an actually important thing where it counted in relation to what mattered to Richard. It was only unimportant in Henry’s eyes, a view that Richard had tried to take on more and more, but even then that could change. It would change if Henry saw a way to use it.

The whole time Richard spoke he couldn’t see Henry’s eyes. It was the perfect time of day and Henry was sitting in the perfect spot so that the sun hit his glasses in the perfect way so that the glare would hide his eyes. There was something eerie about how long that lasted. People always said the eyes were the windows to the soul. Richard couldn’t stop thinking about that as he spoke and Henry’s soul was covered.

This was a blessing. Richard didn’t know what would have happened if he had the option to made eye contact with Henry than the fact that he somehow, some way would have gotten hurt. That was just how the world seemed to work now.

Henry straightened his posture, “Well, it’s a wonder something like that didn’t happen earlier.”

That was all he said about the sex once Richard was finally done. Well, it was all that he said that day. Henry talked about the time Richard and Bunny fucked plenty until the day he died, even if he never addressed it so directly again. It always had to be subtle and useful with Henry. Come here, trust him because there’s no reason not to, help him out because he desperately wants nothing more, and obey him because he must.

Of course Henry had plenty to say that day about absolutely everything else. Most of it was about plans that made sure Richard would never sleep with a free conscious ever again.)

The pilgrimage back up from Richard’s neck to his lips was slow and torturous. By the time Bunny had made it to the side of his mouth Richard was groaning already hard. Stuff like that was why Richard generally thought of himself as pathetic. He needed so much and wanted even more.

Bunny took his time with this kiss. The kiss was harder and deeper than the first, but was more sensuous overall. Bunny could absorb Richard’s soul like that. Maybe he did. He could really taste the booze, and didn’t let himself judge. Richard had no right to that. Getting the intimacy he craved from Bunny of all people would have been borderline unbearable if Richard allowed himself the space to think through this. There would be time to think about this later, to think of things could have been with regret.

With this kiss time moved in reverse. Richard didn’t gain any knowledge he didn’t already have, but he felt a coldness California could have never taught him. He felt a decades old remorse that had (everything and) nothing to do with the moment he was actually in. The only thing he really got wrong was that Richard felt as if he were the one being pushed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
